Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
