my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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