Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
