I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
a search helicopter?!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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