Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me