can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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