I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
