the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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