Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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