You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
