I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
