Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
