Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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