Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
