i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
