Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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