why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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