My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
