I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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