I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
