In the future we'll all be gay
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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