Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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