I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
