i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Who did Billy Mays play for?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
