Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
