If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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