Already got asked if we're dating
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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