Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
