Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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