He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You may now shotgun with the bride
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
