Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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