Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He called his prostate his "boner button".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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