how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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