If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
