Is that why you're texting me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.