Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.