I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
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What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water