I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
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Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk