Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
