I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
