Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
