There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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