i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.