He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router