Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
