I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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