so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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