I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
