so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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