A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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