i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
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We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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