Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
