My girlfriend figured out who you are.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
