the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
