his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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