I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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